Internet Dating

This weekend I was taking a break from writing the Great American Novel, not because I had writer’s block, but because my fingers were tired. I started perusing Petfinder.com. I don’t know why because I’m not in the market for a dog and I already have a cat. One more might make me a crazy cat lady. Crazy cat lady…that gave me an idea. I had never checked out an internet dating sight. It was ironic to me that just when I’m perfectly content being single and rather like not having someone bossing me around, I find myself cruising Match.com. I tried to just be a voyeur and do a little window shopping without starting a profile, but it wouldn’t let me. I slapped together a little self-synopsis, trying to be honest and offering a true representation of myself without being too honest. For example I did not say that I like long walks on the beach because the truth is, my favorite part of the beach is the clam chowder. This might cause one to flip through my pictures to see if I’m fat. I began looking around. Over 2000 guys between 33 and 42 within 50 miles of 97013. Wow, who knew?

Within 10 minutes I got 5 “winks”. That’s apparently what you do to let someone know you are intrigued. I deleted them all. Too eager…like pouncing tigers. I glanced through all the choices like they were on a picture menu at Denny’s and when I saw the first one who looked interesting, I clicked him. Up comes a pop-up saying “NO HUNK FOR YOU! GIMME YOUR MONEY!”

“ What a racket, I’m not joining this thing.” I muttered.

So I got my card out and was now an official member of Match.com. I immediately began deleting all the guys that were obviously creepy and the ones who looked like they kept duct tape and garbage bags in their trunk.  I shopped ‘till I dropped and closed down my computer and went to sleep. The next morning I had more winks from a few “I don’t think sos” and a couple “not in your dreams” and one email.

I deleted the weirdos and  opened the email and checked him out. He was quite fetching I must say. 35, Principal at a high school, Athletic Director for the district, former college athlete, Masters Degree, river rafting guide in the summer, grew up on a 10,000 acre cattle ranch…O.K. I’m listening. You’re speaking my language BWR193. I read on and checked out his pictures…cute with a capital C and he was hilarious. After further investigation I realized that he lives in Bend. I’ve been down that road and I’m not going there again. Did I mention that he was adorable?

I got another email equally as intriguing. 38, Clinical psychologist, divorced father of 2, not that funny but taller than the first. Hometown, Bend!

Darn you, Bend. Why must you tempt me with your fresh air, outdoor concerts, snow capped mountains, and now this?

I decided to try a search a little closer to home. Within 10 miles of 97013…only 15. I found one…handsome and employed. I thought I might try out my wink button which I was excited about because I cannot wink in real life. Truly, my eyes do not close independently of one another. I took a deep breath and “winked”. Done…first one out of the way. I can do this. Just then, the horrible realization that I knew this person hit me. He was one of the dad’s from my children’s school and my sister was his child’s teacher. CRAP! How do I “unwink”? I scrambled around trying to delete it, but I couldn’t. It was out there for him to see. It was going to make PTA awkward. Not only that, I saw that he viewed me and chose not to respond. Ouch.

I tried not to let that get me down and I decided to broaden my search to people I was not likely to see in the grocery store while I had only enchiladas and toilet paper in my cart. There really were too many to choose from so I had to set some guidelines and do some weeding.

I will delete you if…

1)      There is a Pitbull in any of your pictures.

2)      You are not wearing a shirt in your profile picture. Unless of course you are participating in some type of sport that does not require a shirt such as water skiing. Even then I will wonder why you are not wearing a life jacket. Safety should be a priority.

3)      I can see that you are wearing a gold chain, unless it is an Olympic medal.

4)       You are more than twice my size.

5)      You are half my size.

6)       I find lol anywhere on your profile. I know you are not really laughing out loud and I don’t appreciate being lied to.

7)      Your online name is something like hotty439, NASCARluva, or vegan_867.

8)       Your picture is of you taking your own photo with your cell phone in the bathroom mirror. This signifies that you do not have one friend who is willing to take your picture.

9)      You have a mustache not accompanied by a beard, unless you are Tom Selleck.

10)    You appear in anyway shape or form to be playing Dungeons and Dragons in your profile picture.

O.K., guidelines in place, I began reading the menu again. I then started winking with reckless abandon. I crazily mumbled things to myself like, “ooh mommy likey” and “well, hello. I will wink at you now”. Each time I did, I tried to actually wink which was more ticking like I had Tourret’s Syndrome which was fine because they didn’t know that. They had no idea that it was noon and I hadn’t showered. I let out an evil, Hollywood style laugh every time I deleted someone who got lodged in my filter.

I got an email for someone calling himself, “flyfisherman”. That is a road I’ve travelled too and all it got me was a trout dinner and a postcard from Montana. I dug deeper to see if fly fishing was just a hobby and he was gainfully employed. Score…he had a real job. 36, father of 3-year old twins, lived outside of Portland. In one picture he was kicked back in a boat with hat and shades and the other apparently atop Mt. Everest  .We emailed back and forth and he was witty and clever and seemed to be earnest. I went over his profile with a fine tooth comb. 5’4”! I just spent the afternoon cyber-flirting with someone shorter than fifth-grader.

What is the moral of this story? There is none, except that in life we all tend to sit back and wonder why the world does not give us it’s offerings on a platter. We have all asked, Why does my phone not ring? Why do I not have my dream job? Why is the grass greener over there?  I find that I am saddened when I log onto Facebook and I don’t have any little red numbers in the left-hand corner. I am notified of nothing. I have also discovered that if in the day I share a little something with the world, like a cute thing my children said or something that made me smile or cry, I will have a little red box in the left hand corner. Someone saying, “Way to go” or “I hear ya sista” or maybe I made them genuinely LOL. So maybe there is a moral to this story. If we do not stand up and tell the world that we are here, they will not know. We cannot expect to hide under a rock and for people to find us and invite us to their party. Despite the preconceived notions I had of internet dating sites, I tried it, I am thoroughly enjoying it and I don’t feel desperate or needy. I feel discovered. I just might go out with the cute principal, the short fly fisherman, or the smokin’ hot fireman who just sent me a message while I was writing this. I will keep you posted. WINK.